I felt driven to publicly write about my battle after hearing the news of Robin Williams. His pain was mine too. No one on the outside would have said I was hurting. I was the life of the party. Funny happy Caryn to all. But my family knew. I knew. God knew. These last few days have made my heart heavy. I have known the feeling of anxious pain. Worried I was going to fall backwards. Losing it all again and shaming my family. But, to my saving grace I had God and my family to support me. Luckily my demons did not include the depression component. I cannot even imagine that hurdle on top of an addiction.
It has been almost 7 years since I have had a drink. I remember it like it happened an hour ago. That day was not easy. It was devastatingly painful. I was faced with the choice to either put the wine glass down forever or lose my family. I loved my husband and children with all of my heart but I also loved the numb that wine provided me. I was escaping the pain of losing my mother suddenly. But when I was drinking I didn’t really realize that at the time…That was what this journey in sobriety was all meant for in the end.
Quickly, into my “quitting”, I realized I was drinking to numb the pain. To escape. Leaving all of the pain behind. If only for a few hours or until I passed out. Only to wake in the morning and feel it again. This was a vicious cycle. I woke up every morning for 2 years the same way. Asking God to forgive me. Heal me of this need to drink. But I didn’t mean it. I was praying for the wrong thing. I needed God to heal my heart. He wanted me to stop using him like a confessional. Maybe that was my Catholic upbringing and my ignorance that God was my buddy! Now I know, God wanted me stop but not at the expense of never knowing him. So, I made the commitment on the floor of the Dallas Anatole Hotel for the last time. I was drunk, at the time, but I needed him more than ever. For the first time in two years, I made that promise and was determined to follow through. I promised God that I would search for his word. His grace. His forgiveness. This was not easy at first. I thought about the wine all the time. Craving the sweet tangy taste and the slow numbing buzz. I knew I had to stop. I was a alcoholic. No longer a Mommy drinking to relax. I was the one the wrote the movies about. But, never seemed like an eternity. So I focused on 1 minute. Then one hour and soon a day had passed without me drinking. I remember after the first month, my husband saying “good job”. He told me that this didn’t need to be a lifetime commitment. Clearly, I was not an addict. I was able to quit. What Jack didn’t know is that this battle was an hourly minute by minute struggle to overcome my urge to go buy a box of wine. God and I were BFF’s. I talked to him all the time as I was driving around asking him to help me not want to drink. So, I quietly told Jack that I was going to see how much further I could go without drinking.
Well. I have been sober for 6 years. It was the hardest and best choice I have ever made. My life is completely different than it was then and God truly changed me! It was nothing short of miraculous.
In closing, I pray that we all have a forgiving kind heart to those who are in need. You never know who is hurting. Be a friend. A kind word to someone passing by. Stop to help those who cannot help themselves. You never know what one word can do to change someones heart. After watching all of the tributes to Robin Williams, I know he would ask that of you too.
I encourage anyone who is suffering with any addiction/sadness/depression to please seek help. Sharing your pain will set you free and help you to begin to heal! Here are some helpful numbers:
Alcoholics Anonymous: http://aa.org
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK)
Sincerely,
Caryn